It's so much harder to find the time to sit down and write when I returned home from my adventure than it was when I was out in Los Angeles. Of course this comes as no surprise to me, but I am stunned at the fact that I haven't posted a single update since my last one on January 22nd.I have now reached 1 month since my IOL was implanted (you can read more about it in the Page 1 feature story in the Eagle Tribune) and luckily in the past 4 weeks I remember pretty clearly what I have experienced so what I write down is not too stale. The past 4 weeks have brought much slower progress than the first week, but that is no surprise either.
When I returned home on January 25th, I found things to be much different than it was when I was in my hotel room. Removed from my familiar surroundings, my brain had to quickly deal with new environments, an experience that was more difficult than I thought it would be. As I entered JFK airport that night, I looked at signs and figures throughout the airport and I had trouble seeing clearly many items of interest. I realized at that moment for certain that my surgery would probably never give me the 'perfect' results that I had hoped for, assuming that I would require a light glasses prescription to fix the problems I assumed were due to my astigmatism. I refused to be negative about the situation. I had made the decision to have the surgery done, and my sight was hundreds (if not thousands) of times better than it used to be without glasses or contacts. I would learn to deal with any obstacles put in front of me.
Leaving Logan Airport that night, I rode back in my Dad's car and was attacked by headlights all during the ride home. The night vision problems I had written about before were going to be something I would have to get used to as soon as possible so that I could start driving at night on my own. It wasn't impossible to deal with, but it wasn't as easy as I hoped either. How can I explain what it was like? Like little starbursts all over the place, multiplied hundreds of times over... sensory overload for my brain.
Coming into my home for the first time in 2 weeks, I opened the door and felt like I was out of place. As Isabella approached me (WALKED towards me), I had the ridiculous thought in my mind "she's MY baby!" I have no explanation as to why it was a shock upon seeing her that she was really mine, but it was the thought that I had nonetheless. Walking around my house was more sensory overload as I had to get used to my "normal" surroundings. Things were not crystal clear like I hoped they would be, but if I was having problems outside of my home, why would the inside of my home be any different?
Going to the work the next day, I was greeted kindly by many of my co-workers as I again had problems with low-light conditions. The florescent lights that hung overhead in my work area were light hazy squares. Preferring to work in dark conditions, I quickly realized that I would have to turn back on some of the lights that I had disconnected months before (and always have). The solution to my problems was to add more light to my surroundings. That first day at work I had to sit in an exact spot to be able to easily use my monitor, slightly frustrated, but determined to be vigilant about the situation.
After 2 days of being back home, I decided to call my friend in Canada that I had found on a forum last summer. I called Kevin and spoke to him for 30 minutes about my frustrations, and he was extremely helpful (as he has been throughout this entire process). He explained that more than anything else, I had to be PATIENT (some references online say that vision won't completely bottom out until after 6 months or so). I told him that I was happy with the surgery and I didn't have any regrets, but that the general blurriness (very hard to explain) I was experiencing was very frustrating. I explained that I didn't mind the night problems, halos, and starbursts I was dealing with, but the blurriness in normal light conditions was tough to get used to. I asked if this was how things would be for the rest of my life, and he ensured that what I was going through WAS normal, and things DO get better. Looking at my blood-covered eye in the mirror, I told myself that it was unrealistic to not expect some problems right now anyhow with the way my right eye looked. Until my eye cleared up, I couldn't even begin to start thinking that the vision I currently had would be the vision I would have the rest of my life.
Fast forward 1 month later...
The general vision problems that I was experiencing those first couple of days has gotten MUCH better. The problems that I was having in my normal surroundings at home and work have greatly subsided, and my brain has gotten used to the new prescription that I have in my eyes. The general "blurriness" that I have been experiencing has improved (it hasn't gone away) but not everything is perfect. I told people when I came back that with the dilation problems I would probably never achieve 100% success, but was striving for 95%. When I came home, I said I was at 75-80%, and now a month later I would say I am a solid 80%. With my eyes healing (I am now no longer using any of the prescription eye drops and 60-70% of the blood has now left my right eye), a new problem has developed. The IOL surgery can't help with astigmatism, but one of the ways to try and fix this problem is to use sutures to tighten the eye up after surgery. Now that I have adjusted pretty well to everything else, I can easily tell that my left eye works better for distance, my right eye excels at close-up sight. I know that this exact result is what many doctors try to achieve in their patients because each eye excels at one thing, but it's very difficult to function like this. I have my 1 month post-op scheduled (a story in itself) for this week and it will be one of the first things that I bring up. Dr. Boxer Wachler let me know that I might have to have sutures removed, so this might be the "solution" to my problem. I am guessing that if the sutures were removed, I might have the same "better distance vision" with both eyes, making the need for reading glasses all the more important. I could care less if I had to use reading glasses now or in 10 years, so this doesn't matter to me, I just want to have as close to the same sight with both eyes so I don't feel like my brain is having trouble interpreting the signals coming in.
One month later, I am very happy with the results that I have achieved thus far as a result of the IOL implants. I still don't regret having my surgery out in Beverly Hills, and I think that this will be the last time that I type out the word "regret" as it relates to my surgery. I made the choice, I took on the debt, and it's not like I used the money to go buy a Porsche or a plasma television. I highly doubt that people will look down upon me that I spent so much money to improve my vision. If someone out there is saying "must be nice to go to Beverly Hills to have surgery" my response would be that I took out a home equity loan to PAY for the operation and it's going to take me a long time to pay said procedure off. I wish that I didn't have to take on so much more debt, but as I have stated in the past, my sight was not an inconvenience. It was a HANDICAP.
The oddest thing throughout this whole time is that I never really had that "miracle" moment that I thought I would have. The closest that I came to this was 2 days later when in the hotel room I kept saying "I can see!" while looking at the television on the wall. I never cried or bawled at my new sight, it was (and still is) more like a weight having been removed off my back. Before the surgery, and most definitely for the past 2 years or so when my eye problems really started to rise to the top of my queue of thought, I was always thinking about my eyesight. How it bothered me so, how I wished I could do something about it. Now after having had the IOL surgery, I feel a new sense of peace. I feel like I can focus on other things in my life, whether it be Isabella, karate, anything. My eye problems (while still there) are no longer the forefront of my thoughts and it's much more relaxing. Trying to put a dollar figure on how much something like that is worth is very hard to do.
Everybody that has eye surgery always seems to quickly say that one of the things that excites them most about their new life is that they can read their alarm clock without their glasses (something I still fumble for nearly every day and probably will continue to do possibly forever). While this is exciting, the thing that I probably enjoy more than anything else is that I can see in the shower (lol). I write "lol" because only someone that is blind can truly understand this simple pleasure. Before this surgery, I had NEVER been able to see anything in the shower. Occasionally I would bring my glasses in or wear my contacts just so I could experience what normal people could, but glasses cloud over and contacts dry out during the bathing process. With my new eyes, I can now shave, find the conditioner, heck I can see my feet!! Simple pleasures sometimes are the best ones in life. For those that were blessed with perfection vision from birth, next time you are in the shower and look at your feet, don't take for granted what you have and enjoy it.